This morning I received five visitors to my blog.

• Madrid, Spain
• Nashville, TN
• Milpitas, CA
• Los Angeles, CA
• Sydney, Australia

One of the these visitors took it upon himself (I assume it was a man since men are generally more insensitive and aggresive than women) to post a comment in response to my entry about the deaths of both of my parents last week. Of course the comment was anonymous. Of course it was hateful and designed to inflict pain. The only pain it inflicted on me was just knowing that there are people so pathetic, evil, and hateful as that person.

My father’s death was unexpected. He had been ill for the past five years but his condition was stable and he was on the VA hospital’s waiting list for an operation. I didn’t know he passed away until two days after the fact. Luckily he had a cell phone which I gave to him years ago and which I have been paying the bill ever since. He used that phone to call one of my brothers who was able to be at his bedside during his last moments of life.

January of last year my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer after 45 years of smoking. I took a seven month leave of absence from work to care for her. March of 2006 the doctors gave up on her. They said she had only days to live and were treating her pain — they had stopped all chemo and radiation therapy. I slept in the hospital room with her five nights after which I took her home against the doctors’ wishes. I did not want her to die in a sterile, cold, hospital. The moment she got home she became lucid again and within days she was gaining strength. Before the doctors gave up on her, after one of her chemotherapy treatments she had an intestinal infection that destroyed her large intestines — all of which were removed. She had an ileostomy with a bag attached to her abdomen to collect her waste. I changed that bag more times than I care to remember. On too many occasions it burst during the night and I was the only one of my three brothers staying with her and was the only one cleaning her and caring for her.

My six-month family leave of absence was over. My manager convinced my employer to protect my job and give me an extra unpaid month off. Mom’s condition had improved so much that I took her from New York to Seattle so that I could save my job and care for her. Two months back on the job my employer downsized over 6,000 positions, off shoring most of them. I was laid off after five years (coincidently just a couple months shy of receiving a large bonus and vesting in stock options which were all lost because of the timing of the lay off). I took care of mom for several more months and arranged to have her move back to New York to be with my younger brother and his wife who is a nurse.

Her condition continued to improve. Two days after my fathers death she had a fall in her home. Up until that point they didn’t know that the cancer had spread to her brain. Before she passed away she had a couple of minutes of lucidity before her next dose of pain medicine was administered. She and I cried on the phone together and told each other how we felt. I would have given anything to have been able to hold her hand, hug, her and give her a kiss.

I’m thankful I had the opportunity to say good by to mom and tell here how much I miss her and love her. I’m devastated that my father passed so quickly and without warning. The only consolation I have is that the last time I did speak with him I told him that I love him and miss him. I also saved the last voice mail message he left me. I’m glad that I will be able to hear his voice every now and then when I feel the need to call him for advice or to shoot the breeze.

Mom and Dad, I love you and miss you both. I feel a great loss but at the same time I am relieved that they aren’t suffering any more. My family and my my dad especially expected that my mom would pass away before him because of her cancer. They’d been divorced for many years but he still cared for her. He didn’t know how he’d face living knowing that she was gone. He never had to feel that loss. Mom never knew of my dad’s passing either.

JP and I have been in the process of breaking the lease on this house and finally our attorney came to an agreement with the landlord. We have to be out of here within three days. As soon as I’ve taken care of my responsibilities here I’m flying to North America. JP will stay a few extra days to wrap up some loose ends before joining me. My mom will already have been buried by the time I arrive in New York. My older brother, JP, and I are going to take my fathers ashes to his parent’s grave in Massachusetts. That was his final wish.

I am in shock, I am in denial, and I am feeling a type of pain that I could never have imagined before. On top of all this I receive a hateful comment from a low-life moronic, homophobic, self-hating idiot. I feel no guilt for the way I’ve behaved with my parents and for the way I loved them. Were they perfect parents? Absolutely not. Was I a perfect son? Absolutely not. We did love each other and more importantly we had great respect for each other. I will always hold on to that and remember that for the rest of my life. They both told me very often how much they loved me and how proud the were of my achievements. I never missed an opportunity to tell them that I loved them.

Mom and dad, I will miss you both, though right now I can’t even believe that you’re gone. The first phase of the Five Phases of Loss and Grief is denial. I’m pretty sure I’ll remain in denial until I see my brothers for the first time without my parents being there with us.

I have three brothers. The one I am closest to is a member of the US military. He’s being sent to a war zone in a couple of months. I will think of him and be worried about him every single day that he is gone. I hope he’ll have regular access to email and telephone so that I can know he’s okay. With my parents being sick these have been the most difficult few years of my life. With my brother being thrown into the middle of a war the stress and worry will only continue.