I’m leaving Uruguay for a while. There are some things in my life that I prefer to keep private between me, my family and my closest friends. I’ll share some of the generalities of what I’m referring to here with the hope that other may benefit from my misfortune.
First I want to out line the generally-accepted five stages of grief from Wikipedia.
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The stages are:
- Denial : The initial stage: “It can’t be happening.”
- Anger : “How dare you do this to me?!” (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as “responsible”)
- Bargaining : “Just let me live to see my son graduate.”
- Depression : “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”
- Acceptance : “I know that I will be in a better place.”
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom).
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These past few years have had their difficult moments for me. In 2002 my dad’s health begain to deteriorate and since that time he’s been in a nursing facility. January 2006 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Most of last year I took a “family leave” from work to care for my mom. I took six-months paid leave (maximum amount employers are required to give) and one month unpaid leave. When I returned to work I was still caring for my mother and trying to work full time. That’s when I was laid off my job — one of over 6,000 (up to 10,000 now) who were laid off.
Mom was in and out of the hospital most of last year. As a result of the chemotherapy she developed a severe intestinal infection and had an ileostomy (all of her large intestines were removed. She required a plastic bag to catch her waste, she was in a wheelchair, on oxygen, and required many pills at different intervals during the day. Before I left Seattle in October to move to Montevideo her condition had improved greatly. March of 2006 they have here a week or two to live. October of 2006 she was full of energy and doing very well. After I was laid off of work she went back to New York to be with my brothers.
The stages of grief haven’t come into play yet. Yes, my parents’ heath was deteriorating and I had lost my job. To be honest, the last couple of years on the job I was bored out of my mind so the lay off and severance package were a good thing. The severance package along with some money I had been able to save up over the last ten years was enough to allow me to relocate to Uruguay and take my time pondering my future endeavors. Two weeks after arriving in Montevideo I came down with a bad case of food poising. Two days into the food poising I received an email telling me that my largest investment had been “misappropriated” — nice, white-collar crime word that means stolen. Luckily I didn’t have all of my eggs in one basket so living under bridge wasn’t immediately necessary. The cash I had left was enough to survive on for up to a year but it did require that I start thinking of earning an income again.
This is where the five stages kicked in. Denial lasted the longest. Anger and Bargaining were short lived. Depression was around for a bit longer. Three weeks ago I finally reached Acceptance. I had decided to face reality, take action, and return to North America to find work. In Uruguay I can earn possibly UY$50 to UY$100 an hour (about US$2 - US$4). In my profession in the States I start salary negotiations at around US$50 an hour. So, I’m feeling better, taking action, working on upgrading my technical certifications, selling some of my possessions and putting others in store for my eventual return to Uruguay. The five stages are over and I’m looking forward to what the future has in store. It was a good feeling. Until . . .
July 4th I spent most of the day contacting old businesses associates and friends at IBM. It was great reconnecting with people who I had tremendous respect for and with whom I had developed friendships over the years. That’s when I got an email from my brother Bob who’s a sergeant in the army. Here’s how the email started: “Dad passed away on Monday July 2, 07. Funeral is set for 10:30am Friday, July 6, 07. Mom is not doing well. She’s in St. Charles hospital. Doctor says she has three days or less to live.”
Stage one — Denial — has already started with the loss of my dad. Yes, his health had deteriorated over the past few years but he had been stable for a while. He know he was about to die. He called Bob a few days prior and told him he didn’t have much time left. Bob made it to his bedside before he passed away.
With mom the cancer is winning. She fell down a few days ago and was taken to the hospital. The cancer has spread to her brain. I was able to speak with her yesterday morning before the pain medicine kicked in. Last night I spoke with Bob. They’ve removed all life support apparatus and are only treating her pain. Bob said her breathing in shallow — just like dads before he passed away.
Yep, I’m in denial over mom too. Is this a blessing that both of my parents are leaving within days of each other? Will I be able to process the five stages of grief for both of them at the same time or will it take twice as long? The only reason I can write this now without breaking in to tears is that I am very much aware of the denial. My brain hasn’t accept the loss yet. I still expect dad to call any minute to ask me about life in Uruguay. I still expect to talk with mom on the phone tomorrow.
Because they were both sick for so long I hope I’ll reach the acceptance stage quickly. JP and I will be in New York in August. I think that will help. My dad’s last wish was to have his ashes buried with his father in Massachusetts. If my brother is able to take leave from the Army while we’re there next month we will drive up to Amesbury to fulfill my dad’s last wish.
My mom’s life-long dream was to experience the majestic beauty of Alaska. When we thought we were losing her last year I had volunteered to fly my three brothers and me to Alaska to spread mom’s ashes there. I don’t know if that will be possible now. Or at least not immediately.
Dad was almost 69 years old. Mom is 64. They both smoked since they were about 15. Dad stopped over ten years ago. Mom smoked until the week before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Neither one of them paid any attention to nutrition and exercise was a dirty word. I’ve tried all my life to learn to behave the exact opposite way they did. I hope others can learn from their mistakes as well.
I’m writing this post on Saturday, July 7, 2007. I’m not ready o make it public yet. I need to come to terms with many things before I can share this with the world.
